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Wonkette: The D.C. Gossip
Wonkette: The D.C. Gossip
The D.C. Gossip
Updated: 2 weeks 2 days ago
We are all aware that the Juggalos, the paint-smeared fans of terrible rappers Insane Clown Posse, count among their ranks some criminally stupid individuals. This is not news, particularly when the leaders of your pack are people who do not understand how magnets work.
But though you are super dumb, Juggalos, you’re not a gang.
Horrorcore-rap duo Insane Clown Posse, along with four fans, are suing the Department of Justice and the FBI, demanding that the agencies purge the fan name “Juggalos” from their list of gang members. “Organized crime is by no means part of the Juggalo culture,” reads the complaint, filed this morning in federal court in Detroit.
The suit stems from the FBI’s National Gang Intelligence Center classification of Juggalos as “a loosely-organized hybrid gang,” one with multiple affiliations. Lawyers for ICP and the ACLU claim that the profiling of Juggalos — based on their distinctive clown makeup and Hatchetman tattoos — lacks reasonable suspicion of gang affiliation.
Seriously, do you know how much we hate having to agree with ICP or the Juggalos — fucking JUGGALOS — about a thing? It’s like feeling you need to agree with a doorstop or a piece of driftwood.
In Anchorage, a single radio ad aimed at Begich was set to air on a single station — 650 KENI — one time on Tuesday, according to a check of the political ad buys at the two major radio conglomerates in Anchorage.
The total cost to the Republican National Committee for the Anchorage radio airtime? $30.
Begich’s campaign says the RNC also is airing ads minimally in other markets around the country in which Democrats are being criticized over the Affordable Care Act.
In Fairbanks, the same ad is airing once on KFBX radio at a cost of $25, according to Begich’s campaign.
How will Mark Begich ever recover from this attack of Biblical proportions? Why, it is likely that literally tens of people heard these ads, and now Mark Begich’s political career is dead, killed by master strategist Reince Priebus. And you really have to respect the sheer amount of money that the Republican National Committee is willing to pour into this campaign. Will they stop at nothing? For the price of way less than an Obamacare premium, they have toppled Mark Begich. Also, who knew radio ads were so cheap? Also, too, who knew that AM radio was still a thing that people wanted to advertise on?
Some intrepid reporter intern got stuck with asking the RNC why they were hyping this thing so hard when it turned out to be a big nothingburger.
Asked whether calling attention to an ad campaign that was so minimal was misleading, RNC spokesman Michael Short emailed an answer: “That is one of the most ridiculous questions I have ever fielded.” He earlier called the Alaska ads in Fairbanks and Anchorage a “statewide” effort.
Ooh. Someone is testy. Well, surely this thing is rolling out in a lot of markets, right? So they must have just underspent in Alaska, but they’re also going after Mark Pryor (D-Ark.), Mark Udall (D-Colo.), Kay Hagan (D-N.C.), Jeanne Shaheen (D-N.H.), Jeff Merkley (D-Ore.), Mark Warner (D-Va.), Rep. Bruce Braley (D-Iowa), Rep. Gary Peters (D-Mich.), Rep. Tim Bishop (D-N.Y.) and Rep. Nick Rahall (D-W.Va.).
See? That is a long list! With many names! So this blitzkrieg of ads will cost so much when it is done, on account of how much it costs to Adpocalypse Now. Except not, exactly.
[T]he total size of the ad buy is about $3,100, according to a Democrat tracking media buys, a pittance for ad spending.
Yes, beware Reince Priebus and his minions, because they’re going to take down Obamacare by spending what basically amounts to the price of a reaaallllly shitty used car. Spread across 12 markets. For 40 days. You had a nice run, Democrats. Sorry that you are all now buried under cheap AM radio ads forever.
In the spirit of bipartisan cooperation, Kentucky state Rep. Leslie Combs (D-Pikeville), did something stupid with a handgun in her office at the Capitol Annex Tuesday, accidentally discharging the weapon while cleaning it. No one was injured. Combs joins the ranks of responsible legislative gun owners like Dave Evans, the aide to Missouri’s Speaker of the House, who left his loaded handgun on a toilet paper dispenser in that state’s capitol; Kyle Tasker, the New Hampshire state rep. who dropped his gun on the House floor during a committee meeting; and Lori Klein, the Arizona legislator who pulled a loaded gun from her purse and pointed it at a reporter with the safety off. Those folks were all Republicans, so it’s awfully nice to see a Democrat joining the Responsible Gun Owner fun.
Combs says she was unloading her gun when it accidentally went off, as those things sometimes do. It is a mystery, really. Does anyone even know how guns work? Particularly some of the people who own them? Further,
she stressed that she was following safety procedures.
“I was going through the process as I have been trained to do,” she said. “I had it pointed in the proper direction.”
So hey, no harm, no foul! Just a hole in the wall, not in a constituent or aide. Heck, this technically doesn’t even count as an “accident” does it?
We’re just happy to know Rep. Combs wasn’t handling marijuana, because that stuff is illegal, and dangerous.
[Courier-Journal via tip from Wonkette Operative "Bill in West Virginia"]
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[Update: Previous version of the post stated Giffords was jumping tomorrow, but the jump was actually today, to be aired tomorrow.]
You know, if we survived a terrible mass shooting complete with massive damage to our bodies, we would probably take that as our ticket to just lie around the rest of our lives and demand that our special person bring us bon bons 24/7. But that is not what you do if you are Gabby Giffords, because Gabby Giffords is a bawse. Today is the third anniversary of the Tucson, Arizona, shooting that left 6 dead, 18 injured, and Giffords in critical condition, and today Giffords marked the occasion by jumping out of a goddamn plane.
“Today, Gabby Giffords is going to do something that is incredibly courageous and inspiring and a little bit surprising — she’s going to sky-dive here in Arizona to commemorate the three-year anniversary and all of the progress that she’s made,” TODAY’s Savannah Guthrie said by phone Wednesday from Tucson.
“She is an incredibly brave person. She’s someone who used to love to sky-dive before this shooting took place. She hasn’t done it since.”
Lest you forget, Giffords was shot IN THE HEAD. It took her months to learn how to speak, walk, read and write again. Do you remember when she decided to resign from Congress in 2012 because she needed to focus on rehabilitation? Did you watch the video of that resignation? Did you cry your face off when the whole House gave her a standing ovation? We did. Let’s cry our faces off again for a moment, shall we?
Two years after that resignation, she is jumping out of a plane. She also has a pro-gun control group that is raising oodles of monies and this jump will probably serve to heighten awareness of that and probably make that group get even more monies! Cue so much wingnut butthurt about how Gabby Giffords is personally going to fly to their house in a spaceship piloted by her husband, astronaut Mark Kelly, and grab all their guns. Actually, now that we think of it, that would be AWESOME.
The only downside to this nice time is that you will have to drag your lazy self out of bed early enough in the morning tomorrow to watch the Today show so you can see the jump. You can do it. We have faith in you.
Wow, Gary was right! Leggy Fox News CNN Idiot S.E. Cupp truly has taken the lead for the dumbest column of 2014, and it’s going to take some massive expenditures of PunditDerp to surpass her thought-like statements about marijuana. It’s also depressing to know that someone will pull it off anyway. If nothing else, it at least proves that pot can make some people stupid even if they don’t ingest any at all.
So here’s the dealio: Cupp believes that marijuana legalization could turn out to be a very bad thing for liberals, because it’s wildly inconsistent with other parts of the progressive agenda — or at least “the progressive agenda” as imagined by S.E. Cupp’s strange libertarian mind.
For instance, just take guns — please!
The same argument used against guns is used for pot: that legalizing pot and making it more available will reduce crime. No good liberal would say the same of guns, though there is substantial evidence to prove more guns equal less crime.
We’re told pot users will “responsibly” use marijuana in the privacy of their own homes. But what barometer are they using to determine that persistent recreational drug users, who have presumably broken the law before by possessing marijuana, are responsible people? And why aren’t lawful gun owners afforded the same level of trust?
If progressives want to keep gun control in the crosshairs – and many have said they do – they’ll have to reconcile this intellectual incongruity.
Yes, they certainly will have to do something about this massive pot-smoking straw gunman. Leaving aside the seriously questionable statistical fuckery of the more guns = less crime claim, and let’s also just stare blankly at the pure stupidity of Cupp’s dopey attempt to make a point with a definition — riiiight, since pot users were all engaged in criminal activity before the stuff was legalized, they are obviously untrustworthy. Also, too, many people jaywalk, so they should not be allowed to vote. Or something. Lawful gun owners have a pretty well-established record of accidentally shooting themselves and others, which one might think would be an argument, at the very least, for requiring safety training, but that is obviously an unconstitutional infringement. And while, yes, irresponsible pot use combined with driving can be just as bad as drunken driving, we don’t know of any innocent bystanders getting a load of Maui Wowie shot through their skulls when someone cleaned a bong that they thought was unloaded. But sure, we would love to see guns regulated at least as strictly as legal weed in Colorado and Washington.
Let us continue. Cupp also thinks that the pro-pot agenda conflicts with the “expansion of the health nut state”:
does it really work to rail against trans fats and restrict the smoking of cigarettes but allow pot smoking (and the sloth and munchy-induced snacking that comes with it)?
Don’t expect Michelle Obama or Felix Ortiz, the New York assemblyman who proposed banning salt in restaurants, to rally for weed any time soon.
Again, this is about as sophisticated an argument as the old “Michelle Obama ate a big ol’ hangerburger, wotta hypocrite!” thing. Alcohol abuse is also bad, and yet many liberals drink their white wine spritzers, or whatever the elitist yuppies are imbibing these days! But yes, we all know that there is no such thing as moderate pot use, as illustrated by the stoned ramblings of notorious weedhead David Brooks. Somehow, we think the contradiction, if any, between encouraging healthy eating and allowing a bit of herbal entertainment is just a teensy bit less of a logical inconsistency than, say, the tendency of conservatives to call for a tiny little government that’s just big enough to fit inside a transvaginal wand.
And then Cupp gets to her most exciting claim — what if Obama’s decision to not interfere — much – with state pot laws actually works, what then, huh, you big-government liberals?
A successfully-delivered state-run program would send a clear signal that government functions more effectively at the smaller, local level and that federal bureaucracy, whether in drug enforcement or, say, health care, can only muck things up …
If pot legalization emboldens libertarianism in just such ways, it would have a pretty devastating effect on progressivism.
Uh… wut? That might be a really persuasive argument if libruls truly insisted that no policy ever be set at the state level, but Cupp appears to have once again confused cartoon progressives with the real kind. We’re just a little surprised that she hasn’t also exposed the incredible hypocrisy of liberals wanting to combat CO2 emissions, but nevertheless wanting to allow people to burn dried cannabis leaves.
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Chris Christie A Petty, Vengeful Monster, Part Infinity, Section Fort Lee Lane Closures, Subsection Amateur Hour
Class, what do we think about this email? Does it “raise serious doubts about months of claims by the Christie administration that the September closures of local access lanes to the George Washington Bridge were part of a traffic study initiated solely by the Port Authority”? Does it make you wonder if Chris Christie is an actual non-human troll who lives under the GWB in the burned-out fuselage of a taxpayer-funded helicopter? Interesting questions to think about as we get out our textbooks and turn to chapter 58: “The 58th Reason Why Chris Christie Should Not Under Any Circumstances Be President.”
Now, before we get started, remember — if we see anyone playing the popular game “Chris Christie Personally Ordered The Fort Lee Lane Closures,” we will not be happy! We know it’s a fun game, because this whole thing looks really bad for Christie regardless of whether he gave the order, or whether several of his hand-picked staff exercised extraordinarily poor judgment and basically acted like cartoon villains without his knowledge. But this is a dangerous game, kids! You could hurt your credibility!
Instead, you can play “How Will Chris Christie’s Opponents Use This Against Him In The Primary, If He Runs?” That is a fun game, too! Jimmy, do you want to be Ted Cruz? What does Ted Cruz say? Does he say “Chris Christie failed the most basic test of a governor by acting irresponsibly at best, and maliciously at worst, toward his own citizens”? Use your imaginations!
Kaiden, stop eating that paste! We don’t care if you’re Rand Paul, paste is not for eating.
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Over 100 former New York City employees, mostly police, have been charged in a huge scheme to collect undeserved disability benefits, many of them claiming they were suffering from psychological effects of the 9/11 attacks. Manhattan District Attorney Cyrus R. Vance Jr. said “The brazenness is shocking.”
More than 100 people were arrested, including 72 city police officers, eight firefighters, five correction officers and one Nassau County Police Department officer.
Four ringleaders coached the former workers on how to feign depression and other mental health problems that allowed them to get payouts as high as $500,000 over decades, Vance said. The ringleaders made tens of thousands of dollars in secret kickbacks, he said.
Isn’t it reassuring to know that no matter how noble an effort to help people might be, there will always be jerkwads who rush in to swipe stuff that should be going to people who really need it?
Needless to say, defense attorneys for the four people charged with leading the scam insist that they are as pure as a Polar Vortex, and that their clients were just doing their legitimate job of helping people get benefits. One pointed out that many of those charged were already receiving disability pensions from New York City. That’s not such a great defense, say prosecutors, who note that the qualification standard for Social Security benefits is higher — “complete inability to work.”
There are some dandy examples of the advisors coaching people on how to exaggerate or fake disabilities. One applicant was told to deliberately make spelling and math errors on their application, while others, who claimed to have been traumatized by responding to the attacks on the World Trade Centers, “were instructed to say that they were afraid of planes or they were afraid of tall buildings,” according to Assistant District Attorney Christopher Santora.
The fraud goes back farther than 9/11/01, though:
Over 26 years, the workers arrested collected about $22 million in bogus benefits, authorities said, and more arrests could follow. Prosecutors estimate hundreds more people and as much as $400 million may be involved.
And in a bit of paperwork detective work of the sort that bureaucrats seldom get enough credit for, it turns out that the scheme was first discovered by investigators in the Social Security Administration, who noticed about five years ago that a whole bunch of similar-looking disability applications came in all at once, and that despite several applicants’ claims of severe psychiatric disorders, they nonetheless still had gun permits. Somehow, we suspect that the NRA will find a way to twist that detail into an argument that registering guns always leads to invasions of privacy and gun confiscation.
As far as we can tell, it appears that the fraud here was all within the regular Social Security disability program, not in the special funds that were designated for 9/11 first responders (and which Republicans fought to limit whenever possible). But who knows? In any case, we’re sure that the congressional response to this will be to praise and beef up the regulatory and investigatory arms of benefits agencies to encourage their excellent work in rooting out fraud. Heaven knows it would be completely nuts if somebody used this as an excuse to call for killing Obamacare or cutting disability benefits to people who legitimately qualify for them. That’s just unthinkable.
OK, we know we promise nice time but then give you things like Evander Holyfield being a ridiculous bigot about teh gheys. But sometimes we can deliver actual no-strings-attached happy nice time, like letting you know that Lily Tomlin and Jane Wagner got married on New Year’s Eve after being together 42 years. Some of you people are not even 42 years of age, much less having kept a successful romantic AND work partnership going for that long.
Besides their relationship, the couple’s many celebrated collaborations, written by Wagner, include Tomlin’s Tony-winning one-woman show The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe, which played on Broadway, toured and was filmed for the screen, as well as the movie The Incredible Shrinking Woman.
We expect this kind of slack journalism from the hacks over at 60 Minutes, but the New York Post!?!? What is this world coming to?
The folks at NY Daily News did some actual investigating, which apparently means talking to more than one anonymously sourced 10-year-old boy. And they found:
A receipt shows Spitzer and Smith checked out Sunday at 12:58 p.m. — three hours before the alleged sexcapade. At 4:19 p.m. Sunday, Smith tweeted from a nearby restaurant called Robbie’s Kitchen, where she and Spitzer had watched her favorite team, the Cincinnati Bengals, lose a playoff game. That’s not an easy thing to do from a hot tub while someone’s licking your feet.
He was sucking on her toes, NY Daily News! Get it right, goddammit!! But we guess the larger point is that the Cincinnati Bengals have fans outside of Cincinnati.
In any case, the NY Daily News went so far as to interview the waiter from the local restaurant:
“I remember them,” a waiter who goes by Kingsley told us. “They were sitting at the bar.” Their restaurant tab for a late lunch and several Red Stripe beers was $81 plus tip.
Props to Spitzer for supporting the local economy with the Red Stripe. Unfortunately, the reporters did not ask if Spitzer was a good tipper, cause that is all we want to know about. Just the tip.
Going far and above regular reporting duties, the NY Daily News also interviewed one of “Spitzer’s pals,” who was vacationing with the not-so-publicly-horny couple:
“This is a place where you have to wear long pants to dinner at the restaurant,” said one of Spitzer’s pals. “There are, in certain areas, families with children. It’s inconceivable that any adult would behave that way.”
Not to put too fine a point on it, but we are talking about a guy who resigned the governorship for getting caught boinking hookers in sweet-ass hotels in Washington, D.C. Then a few years later he tried to run for public office again. ‘Inconceivable behavior’ is kinda this guy’s go-to move.
Despite that last quote, we’re pretty confident that the NY Post got it wrong. Although we look forward to a more thorough investigation piece on 60 Minutes, where we will likely hear about how Eliot Spitzer bit the feet off of Jamaican refugees in a coke-induced rage.
Your Daily Show/Colbert Report Clickbait Is Here! Jon Stewart Talks Pot, And Stephen Colbert Tackles Climate Change
Tuesday’s Daily Show was all about the Mary Jane being legal in the Colorado and such as. Mr. Stewart had fun with Bill O’Reilly’s not-at-all-belabored attempt to suggest that pot and texting are equally addictive — and props to O’Reilly’s guest, Columbia professor Carl Hart, who had the decency to treat the assertion exactly as seriously as it deserved.
Suspended Shooty Screamy Pennsylvania Police Chief Sues So Hearing On His Firing Won’t Move To Godless Scranton
It’s been a while since we’ve heard anything from Uberpatriot Mark Kessler, the indefinitely-suspended police chief of Gilberton, Pennsylvania. As you recall, he created a bit of a stir last summer when he posted several videos of himself bravely shooting photographs of Nancy Pelosi and calling for “cleansing” U.S. America of liberals and liberal news agencies and so on. Last time we checked in with him was in October, when his termination hearing was interrupted by a supporter’s loaded handgun falling out of its holster and onto the floor of the meeting room. The hearing was suspended until a more suitable location with decent security could be found.
Well! Turns out the Borough of Gilberton wants to resume that hearing in the Lackawanna County Courthouse in Scranton, a whole hour’s drive away. Kessler filed a lawsuit to prevent the hearing from being held outside of Schuylkill County, because obviously a hearing in the next county over would violate his rights. This man knows his rights, and they include owning guns, carrying guns, fondling guns, talking about guns, sleeping with guns, shooting pictures of people who might take away his guns, gazing lovingly at guns, talking about shooting people who might take away his guns, and not having troops quartered in his home in time of peace.
For some reason, the borough was unable to get permission to schedule the hearing in the Shuylkill County Courthouse, so they tried the courthouse in Scranton and scheduled the hearing. Kessler sued Monday to stop the hearing from moving to Scranton, claiming that the location was selected “to intentionally prejudice [Kessler] and to create obstructions with the intent to deprive [Kessler] his rights to a fair and impartial hearing,” according to his petition, which goes on to claim that his witnesses would be unable to take the time and are unwilling to “be subject to the expense and danger of traveling in the winter months.”
Frankly, it’s a slightly more practical objection than we’d anticipated; considering other aspects of his politics, we thought sure there was going to be some weird argument about his sovereignty being violated by going outside his home county.
In addition to trying to keep his termination hearing from ever resuming, Kessler has also been tweeting up a storm, calling on his “fellow brother [sic] & sisters in uniform” to “make a serious choice, stand with god & country or be part of a TYRANNICAL regime!” and inviting people to join his super-patriotic loons-with-guns club, which will be “the biggest, baddest, militia in the nation!” Presumably the January 3 tweet up top indicates that he has removed his “uniform of tyrants,” which means god only knows what — obviously, he’s still trying not to get fired, so we assume he’s only removing a metaphorical uniform, which doesn’t involve any loss of insurance benefits.
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Oh sure, we could talk about any other subject under the sun besides Roger Ailes’ dick. The terrible cold weather, the latest slap on the wrist for JPMorgan, S.E. Cupp taking the early lead for dumbest column any pundit will write in 2014. But are any of those subjects really more interesting than Roger Ailes’ dick? We think the question answers itself.
Here is why we are thinking about Roger Ailes’ dick. The New York Times got its hands on a copy of Gabriel Sherman’s new biography of the walking tub of chicken fat and his dick, and one of the funnier stories involves Randi Anderson, a television producer who went to work for CNBC when Ailes was running that channel twenty years ago. Anderson alleges that Ailes offered her an extra $100 a week to have sex with him whenever he wanted. Because when you are Roger Ailes, you are entitled to an in-house concubine at your office, even if you want to pay well below what we imagine was the market rate for a prostitute in New York City in the early 1990s.
The book appears to be tumescent with these sorts of gossipy tidbits about the, er, head of Fox News. We figure these little morsels will steadily dribble out as we get closer and closer to the book’s release date of Jan. 21, at which time the stories of Roger Ailes’ dick will explode all over the media, spraying us with a viscous coating of filth. We’re practically panting with anticipation.
A couple of other nuggets:
Ailes has spent the past year preemptively slamming Sherman’s book as inaccurate, as have quite a few of the Fox jefe‘s minions. And can you blame them? Roger probably threatened to show them his dick if they didn’t.
In other memoir news, Robert Gates is about to release his book about serving as Secretary of Defense, and that one is apparently chock full of really boring crap like how President Obama lost faith in his Afghanistan surge strategy early on and Gates was jealous of Old Handsome Joe Biden because Joe gets all the chicks. Most of the stories we found seem to have taken as their source Bob Woodward’s review in the Washington Post, and with the anti-Obama kick Woodward has been on for the last few years, we trust him to give an honest accounting of the book’s contents about as much as we would trust Jaws to not eat us. Really, no one leaks a book about Obama to Bob Woodward unless they want to paint the president in the most unflattering light possible.
Besides, Roger Ailes’ dick!
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“When you get that feeling like you can’t feel your fingers anymore or it’s so painful you can’t feel your fingers, you definitely need to head inside,” said Dr. Leana Wen, an attending physician and director of patient-centered care research in the Department of Emergency Medicine at George Washington University. “You should always cover up, any time it goes below freezing, including with the wind chill,” she said. “Make sure to cover your extremities. Make sure you’re wearing gloves, scarf, ear muffs.”
The crippling cold is a far cry from the Oahu breeze First Lady Michelle Obama is enjoying during her extended Hawaii vacation.
Mrs. Obama remained in Hawaii for some extended R&R after President Obama and daughters Malia and Sasha arrived back at the White House Sunday after a lengthy holiday vacation. Her private vacation was a birthday gift from her husband.
While Honolulu is facing overcast skies with a high of 77 degrees, the current forecast for Washington Dulles International Airport on Tuesday is a potentially record-breaking 3 degrees. The current forecast is 7 degrees for the District, where the record low for Jan. 7 was 5 degrees in 1884.
See? How dare she take an elitist private vacation paid for by Barack Obama aka YOUR TAX DOLLARS. That’s right, sheeple! Your money is paying for Michelle Obama to get a tan RIGHT NOW while you wander around your shitty apartment with your housecoat worn over your sweater worn over your flannel shirt worn over your long underwear, looking like the goddamn Michelin Man. UNFAIR! INPEACH MICHELLE OBAMA.
Keep yourself warm tonight with your white hot incandescent rage directed at Michelle Obama for blocking out the sun. Lord knows there is no other way you’re going to stay warm enough.
Our first unsuccessfully attempted comment was a reaction from “Katherine,” who was quite displeased with our failure to recognize our intellectual betters, particularly the Big Thoughts of Ben Shapiro:
Ben Shapiro is more intelligent than all of you put together. He knows his stuff, and all you do is spit out vitriol garbage. Your views are filled with mindless emotion, and his are filled with intelligence and evidence.
“Vitriolic,” dear. Yes, it is true, we are driven by mindless emotions, like thinking that people should be able to feed their families, and that the stimulative effect of unemployment insurance is good for the economy. But Ben Shapiro, he is one smart fella, and he felt smart.
We got a couple of scolding emails from “cetude” on the topic of Colorado’s exciting new mary-juana law:
How amusing. I hope you all realize your EMPLOYER can still FIRE you for testing positive for pot. All it takes is one urine tests and it stays in your body for three solid months. What a great easy way to get rid of employees!
We bet no one in Colorado was aware of that teensy loophole. Now, we did briefly consider approving this helpful word of caution, but then thought, wait just a darn minute here, this twerp is basically saying, no, you fools, do not touch the evil weed, for you stupid hippies will surely be found out! It’s a TARP! And so, welcome to the derp-pile, cetude.
We feel just the slightest pang of guilt for including this next one, but come on, we pretty much have to. In our contribution to last week’s Wonkiversary GalaPalooza, Yr Very Own Doktor Zoom said that “with this momentous anniversary upon us, I may ask myself, ‘Well, how did I get here?’” And so we got this comment in the queue from a would-be commenter whose moniker we will simply redact, because we would like to let them have another shot at commenting. This person asked,
Doktor: Talking Heads ref in paragraph 1?
To which we can only say, gosh, we’re flattered that you liked it, but… do you really need to ask? It is kind of a direct quote of a not particularly obscure song. And did you somehow miss all the other people in the thread riffing on other lyrics? We are sorry, but if you wish to comment here, you will need to up your game.
Also, no. It was a Mystery Science Theater 3000 reference.
In our “E-Blast from the Past” category, we got a message from a gentleman who appears to be doing some blogwhoring, which is one of those bannable offenses on Ye Old Wonket if you do it much. This one’s particularly puzzling, since it appears to be taking issue with a piece from a year ago, in which we corrected an error by then-FishBowlDC columnist Betsy Rothstein. Ms. Rothstein said that MSNBC’s Goldie Taylor had “never served” in the military, which Yr Editrix corrected by noting, “Goldie Taylor knows 57 ways to kill a man, as does every self-respecting US Marine.” Wow, that was a long set-up! But to get past the tl;dr — Rothstein said that Taylor never served, we said, no, you’re wrong, she did. And then almost a year later, we got this chiding message from “averageblackman:”
Um…actually Goldie Taylor did serve. She was a marine. Get ya facts straight.
Hey, thanks for letting us know! We’ll update the post to say that we were correct! Averageblackman helpfully included a link to his blog, which said nothing about Goldie Taylor or the Marines.
And finally, an important note from “RammRodd,” whose username suggests he may own a pickup truck with a 4-inch lift. RammRodd objected to Saturday’s piece about gun fondlers’ objections to measures to keep guns out of the hands of mentally ill people who have been judged to be a danger to themselves or others:
Well, of course, everyone wants to take your precious guns, sure. And then there’s that second story, claiming that the APA is full of dangerous creeps who want to declare everyone mentally ill. Turns out it’s a story from the always-reliable WND last June; even more impressive, the article’s primary source for its attack on psychiatry is a piece by the “Citizens Commission on Human Rights International,” which sounds like a pretty impressive group, until you discover that the CCHRI is a front group for Scientology. Can’t go thinking that mental illness is real, after all, because any fool knows that what allegedly “mentally ill” folks need to do is to get cleared out of all those nasty ancient aliens clogging their brains. So, nahh, maybe we aren’t too impressed with the sourcing on RammRodd’s claim that the mental health field is full of monsters who are just waiting to declare people sick in the head and then take their guns away.
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Mediaite’s Managing Editor Jon Nicosia Has Fake Name And Lengthy Criminal Record But That’s Cool By Mediaite
Do you enjoy complicated stories about high-profile Internet journalists and their lying and stealing and going to prison-ing yet somehow keeping their jobs? No, this is not about Dok Zoom or me. Over the weekend, Mediaite managing editor Jon Nicosia wrote a casual column about how he is a two-time felon working under a fake name.
My given name is Zachary Hildreth, but most people in the media world know me as Jon Nicosia. I am currently the managing editor of Mediaite.com. I am also a convicted felon.
Apparently JonZachary had to come clean because Capital New York was about to figure out his secret identity, which is not a cool Batman or Superman type of secret identity. He was, however, covering up some super weird AND super stealing stuff.
The Satanic Temple has unveiled its artist’s rendering of their proposed monument to the one true God, Lucifer, to be installed in Oklahoma’s Capitol. As you can see, the goat-headed demon smiles and suffers the little multicultural children to come unto Him. You can even sit in his lap, like White Santa!
But why does the Satanic Temple want to put a monument to its Dark Lord on the grounds of the Oklahoma Capitol? Besides “why not”? Well, because Oklahoma has erected a monument to the Ten Commandments, which it claims is non-religious and is just, like, the historical basis of law or something, which shows of course a complete lack of knowledge of history, law, the history of law, and every other possible permutation thereof. (“Coveting” has never been against any law, unless it is Thought Law, and laws against not honoring your father and mother went out about the time we stopped stoning snotty teens, a practice that is sadly missed.)
Good luck, Satanists! And thanks again for that time you made Fred Phelps’s mom gay!
Know what we hate? The leftwing mainstream media always being so leftwing-y and librul and stroking Obama’s knob by not investimigating his super-fake birth certificate and not focusing enough on BENGHAZI (enough = 25 hours per day) and generally being lamestream.
Which is why we are glad to see the recent report about how clean energy is miserably failing on that reliable bastion of truth-telling: Fox News. Wait, what? That was on 60 Minutes?!? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING US, CBS?
The report was so full of errors we were SURE it was Fox News. And we were prepared with like a million jokes about Bill O’Reilly making sweet love to Megyn Kelly on top of solar panels and getting run over by White Santa’s sleigh. Ugh, let’s sadsplore how CBS and 60 Minutes failed yet again at the very simple job of reporting a semblance of the truth.
In its latest segment of ‘Right Wing Lies We Will Report As True Because We Suck At Journalism,’ 60 Minutes explored the clean tech industry with a totally balanced segment, “Cleantech Crash.” And by ‘explore,’ we mean they bashed clean tech as having failed miserably without bothering even to mention any successes in the industry, via ThinkProgress:
But for 60 Minutes, this incredible boon is a bust. Here’s a transcript of a clip from the show:
LESLEY STAHL (over pictures of solar panels, biofuels, wind turbines): “It’s called clean tech. And the new technologies that were developed in the energy sector were supposed to create jobs, and help America break its reliance on fossil fuels. The government supported it, and billions of tax dollars were spent. So how is the investment going?
STAHL (to DOE interviewee): “Solyndra went through half a billion dollars before it failed. Then I’m going to give you a list of other failures. Abound Energy. Beacon Power. Fisker. VPG. Pfff…I’m exhausted.”
INTERVIEWEE: “As I told you at the beginning, the energy business is tough!”
That is very balanced reporting there about Department of Energy loan program on clean energy: THEY ALL FAILED. Taxpayers lost billions and this is just an example of how government sucks. Yep, them there’s the facts, and there is no way that there are any other facts that would contradict those facts, right?
Moreover, 60 Minutes is apparently unaware that the DOE Loan Guarantee Program has a whopping 97 percent success rate, while the companies CBS focuses on such as Solyndra and Abound Solar were just three percent of the portfolio.
Yeah, but that’s just the Department of Energy spewing liberal lies on behalf of failed programs. They probably cooked the books or something. It’s not like there are any conservative people out there saying that these programs are successful, right?
Every major independent review, including one by John McCain’s former National Finance Chairman, found the loan guarantee program was cost-effective for taxpayers.
Seriously, was there any ‘research’ done by 60 minutes? Well, they did do some reading:
Inexplicably, the 60 Minutes correspondent asserts that according to “everything I’ve read there were not many jobs created”
Really, 60 Minutes?!? Really, you’re going with the ‘everything I’ve read’ line? Because we did some reading as well and found out:
In fact, the Atlantic Wire reported last year that this one program successfully shepherded 28 companies with clean energy projects creating over 20,000 jobs — with a net cost to the public that will either end up being very low or zero. DOE projects that all of its clean energy loan programs taken together will generate some 55,000 jobs.
Wowsers, reading sure is fun!
There are plenty of other example showing that clean technology is doing well, from the increase in sales of electric cars to the increase in sales (and lowering in price) of energy-efficient light bulbs, but our main point is getting lost in ‘data’ and ‘facts.’
The main point is this: 60 Minutes has decided to abandon all journalistic integrity built up over decades of quality reporting in order to produce right-wing hit pieces. Bravo, guys. Could it maybe, possibly, have anything to do with your new-ish President of CBS News, David Rhodes? We only ask because before he joined CBS in 2011, he was Vice President of News at Fox News. We are disappointed that it took Rhodes a full 2+ years to ruin all the credibility that 60 Minutes built up — we thought he could have done it in one year if he really set his mind to it. Anyway, we totally look forward to a thorough exploration of how Obamacare will usher in an era of beheadings.
We have unconfirmed reports that Dan Rather is rolling over in his grave. Because according to everything we have read, he is dead.
Follow DDM on Twitter (@Wonksplainer), because why not.
Hey, Fox News! You know what class warfare is? Class warfare is not someone pointing out that CEO pay has increased enormously while middle-class wages have stagnated or fallen in real terms. Class warfare is maybe something a little more like this:
Workers at a French tyre factory threatened with closure have taken two company executives hostage and promised to hold them until given “enormous amounts of money”.
The two managers were scheduled to meet with union representatives Monday at the Goodyear factory in north Amiens, but instead about 200 workers showed up and blocked the door of the conference room with a huge tractor tire.
It’s still not lopping off heads, but yes, definitely closer to class war, we would say, n’est-ce pas? Also, Yr Wonkette fully endorses the use of big honkin’ tractor tires as tools of class struggle.
The two executives, production manager Michel Dheilly and human resources director Bernard Glesser, were released unharmed Tuesday morning. The tire factory is scheduled to close, which would put 1,173 workers out of work. Union leaders hopethat the factory can be sold and kept open, or at least that a decent severance package will be provided, according to union representative Franck Jurek, who said Monday that workers were prepared to bring mattresses to the factory to occupy it until a settlement is reached:
“We want to go back to the negotiating table to seek a voluntary departure plan and see if someone will take it [the factory] over. If there’s nobody, then [we want] a departure plan for everyone with an enormous amount of money.”
Jurek added: “We’ve lost all legal means of recourse, so now we’re changing tack.”
This is the same factory an American executive derided last year; when a French official wrote to Maurice “Morry” Taylor Jr, head of Titan International, asking if Titan would consider buying the plant, Taylor wrote back,
“Do you think we’re stupid? I’ve visited this factory several times. The French workers are paid high wages but only work three hours. They have one hour for their lunch, they talk for three hours and they work for three hours.”
He added: “You can keep your so called ‘workers’.”
So you can see why they might be a little touchy; the French workers kept insisting on a living wage and decent working conditions, and so of course, that makes them “lazy.” Heck, they’re lucky they weren’t also diagnosed as “uppity.”
Despite the demand for “enormous amounts of money,” workers at the Amiens factory actually seem resigned to the plant’s eventual closing, according to CNBC; they’re asking for
management to improve on one of its previous offers and give severance packages of up to 180,000 euros ($245,000). They also want access to job re-training benefits for 24 months rather than the 15 currently proposed.
Let’s hope that they get a decent deal; we’re also hoping that American workers will start taking note of where they can get their hands on some tractor tires.
Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. Remembair, ze corned beef does not run away from ze cabbage.
After not having a female cast member of color on the show since 2007, Saturday Night Live got its act together and is bringing Sasheer Zamata on as the first female comedian of color since Maya Rudolph left.
A few months back, there was a brouhaha when Saturday Night Live announced new cast members, and there was nary a woman of color among them. And then Kenan Thompson dumped gasoline on the fire by sorta saying that black ladies maybe weren’t just funny enough.
But Zamata, she is funny! We went and checked, because after years of having our hearts broken, we do not really trust SNL’s life choices.
Does she talk about race in her humor sometimes? Yes she does, much to the dismay of mouth-breathers like Daily Caller’s Patrick Howley, who is convinced that because she has ladyparts, she is probably not funny. Also black.
Barack Hussein Obama is trying to do something dastardly again, because it is “a day,” and that something is extending unemployment insurance for three more months so 1.3 million people who would otherwise lose their last remaining lifeline of several hundred dollars a week (lucky duckies!) can instead go buy lots of lobster and caviar and oppress the wealthy by continuing to exist.
It is really very rude of him, to class war the wealthy like that by giving something to someone who is not them. But is there another problem, besides the gas chambers he is sending the wealthy to by extending unemployment insurance? Funny you should ask!
Wait, wait! WE KNOW! WE KNOW! When the “nonworking economy” has money to spend on things like “food” and “products,” those spendings go to “the working economy”! It seems so simple and obvious, it must not be true. But we did journalism (asked the Google), and came up with this from the socialist communist Kenyans in George W. Bush’s Labor Department.
A study commissioned by the Labor Department under the Bush administration showed that for every dollar spent on unemployment benefits, two dollars are pumped back into the economy.
In conclusion, you are a sad feebleminded man, Ben Shapiro, the end.
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