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The D.C. Gossip
Updated: 10 weeks 4 days ago
We’re beginning to wonder exactly who the GOP sees as its base any longer. We know it isn’t the blah people or those immigrant-y brown people or gay people or effete latte-drinking Subaru-driving liberals. Given the cock-gobbling the Republican elite gave rustic Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson after he got all racist homophobe, we figured they were going for the down-home crowd kinda thing. Unvarnished rural everyman, basically. Except oh here comes GOPer David Perdue, odds-on favorite to win Georgia’s open Senate seat this year, to explain how his opponent, high school graduate Karen Handel, is just probably not smart enough to understand the issues in the election because she did not go to college like David Perdue did.
Perdue speaking in Bibb County in January about how his educational experience compares to former Secretary of State Karen Handel’s:
“I mean, there’s a high school graduate in this race, OK? I’m sorry, but these issues are so much broader, so complex. There’s only one candidate in this race that’s ever lived outside the United States. How can you bring value to a debate about the economy unless you have any understanding about the free enterprise system and how — what it takes to compete in the global economy?”
That sure sounds like Mr. Perdue is saying that only some o’ them coastal elites should run the country, which we know is not God’s way.
You will be unsurprised to learn that Karen Handel — who counts among her endorsements fifth-college-time-is-the-charm grifterbilly Sarah Palin — is unhappy about this characterization of her skills and had one of her minions fire something off.
“It is disappointing that David would demean someone who — by no fault of her own — moved out of an abusive home at age 17, and with her own hard work and determination, is the embodiment of the American Dream. [...]
“While David boasts about all the time he spent living in Europe and Asia, and all of the millions of dollars he intends to spend on this race, this election is about who conservatives can relate to and trust to get results in the United States Senate.”
Let’s not forget that Karen Handel also had the invaluable experience of being ignominiously shoved out of breast cancer fundraiser juggernaut Susan G. Komen for trying to strip Planned Parenthood of breast cancer screening money. Oh, THAT Karen Handel!
On top of all that, Georgia Tea Party types like Julianne Thompson are super mad at Perdue for suggesting that a college edumacation is necessary for anything because the Bible tells them so.
“I assume Mr. Perdue is a person of faith, so I am sure he is familiar with the Book of Samuel — and if not, I suggest he read it.
Thompson noted that Samuel, “tells what a mighty God and a great nation can do with a humble person who has a servant’s heart, a person underestimated by family, a person with no formal training, but yet a person who took a small stone, slayed an arrogant giant, and went on to become King.”
Excellent point. Perhaps Ms. Thompson can get back to us when “giant-slaying” is an actual qualification for public office in America. For now, we’ll just sit back and watch the GOP try to figure out who the hell they want to pander to next.
We have a verdict in New York’s first revenge porn case, and it’s bad news for anyone who has ever been humiliated after sending erotic self-portraits to their “main ho,” “side piece,” or “significant other,” and wants to see that person convicted of a crime, in New York:
A Manhattan judge ruled this week that a man who shared naked photos of his girlfriend on Twitter — and sent them to her sister and her boss via email — did not technically do anything illegal.
This is good news for… creeps? Brett Favre? Ha, of course the Brett Favre/Jenn Sterger/Brett Favre’s Stubby Penis incident is not analogous to this case, but it’s never a bad idea to remind people that Brett Favre texted dick pixxx to a lady, and you can still see the dick pixxx to this very day if you want to. That is the magic of the internet, and a cautionary tale that you should only trust certain people with your boudoir shots, wink, air kiss, slurred pickup line. READ MORE
Looks like now that ol’ Tom DeLay’s legal troubles are in the past, he’s busy polishing up his credentials for the next phase of his life on the Wingnut Welfare circuit. In addition to his glee at getting his gun rights restored, here’s another nice bullet point on his résumé: he had a nice little chat with Reverend Matthew Hagee about the True History of the United Jesus States of Godmerica, in which he explained that many of our country’s problems come from the moment when “we allowed our government to become a secular government.” We aren’t quite sure whether he means March 4, 1789, or maybe December 15, 1791. Probably the latter, because even though the Constitution became law in 1789, the First Amendment wasn’t ratified by the states until 1791. You could still make a pretty good case for the earlier date, though, since Article Six already had that line about “no religious test” ever being required for public office.
So thanks for the history lesson, Mr. DeLay! Oh, but maybe that’s not what you meant? Well what did you mean?
DeLay said that Americans have forgotten “that God created this nation [and] that He wrote the Constitution, that it’s based on biblical principles.”
Oh, we see! You meant that you are actually a complete charlatan who is angling for a sinecure somewhere nice, like maybe the Family Research Council or the American Patriarchy Association or Wall Builders. Got it! What color is the sky on your planet?
We’d like a few answers about this hypothesis, however — for one thing, why did God fuck up the whole question of slavery so badly that we had to have a civil war to settle it fourscore and six years later? Was that just one of those “close enough for Me” things, like when God punishes America for abortion by letting an unhinged guy with an assault rifle run amok in an elementary school, or when He punishes the gays of New Orleans by wiping out 3000 people with a hurricane? And are amendments just New Revelations, or are they heresies?
In any case, DeLay is pretty hopeful that we can again become the theocracy that we once were, because he remembers those really great days when he was the House Majority Leader and he evangelized all his colleagues and he even “sealed off the rotunda of the Capitol, thinking that, of all people, the leaders of the nation” could contemplate 2 Chronicles 7:14 — which was written about America because it says “my people” — and so “for three hours, leaders of the House and Senate got on our knees, seeking the face of God and praying.”
So he’s pretty sure a big huge revival is coming, and everything will be better just as soon as we revise our textbooks to replace stuff like “James Madison” and “the Constitutional Convention” with “God,” just like we need to replace earth science and biology textbooks with Genesis.
If nothing else, the history and science tests in schools of the future should be pretty easy, unless kids have to memorize all those “begats.”
Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He prefers to believe that if God wrote anything, He wrote the Discworld novels.
Charles Krauthammer is actually really good at his job, if you define “his job” as “to disguise establishment-serving nonsense and lies as pithy nuggets of wisdom.” Check it out:
“The debate is settled,” asserted propagandist-in-chief Barack Obama in his latest State of the Union address. “Climate change is a fact.” Really? There is nothing more anti-scientific than the very idea that science is settled, static, impervious to challenge.
How’s your petard? Hoisted? You bet it is, because Charlie K has turned the tables on you, dumb liberal! Science can simply not ever be settled, which is why it’s called the theory of evolution, the chlorophyll postulate, and the when you have to poop, it means poop is going to come out of your hypothesis. Why are climate scientists so anti-science?
Of course Charles Krauthammer isn’t dumb – just like you, he’s totally worried about CO2 emissions! No, really!
I’ve long believed that it cannot be good for humanity to be spewing tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere.
So it’s really smart and strategic of him to have written this column that will be trumpeted by people who have dedicated a worryingly large portion of their lives to opposing any action that would, you know, stop humanity from “spewing tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere.” We assume this is there so people can point to it and say “Look, he’s so reasonable! He just cares about the science! Drill, baby, drill!”
Here, have a splitting headache:
Not surprisingly, these models have been “consistently and spectacularly wrong” in their predictions
far from being supported by the evidence, “the most recent computer projections suggest that as the world warms, California should get wetter, not drier, in the winter.”
Stupid Obama, climate models are all wrong! Stupid Obama, climate models say you’re wrong! Stupid Obama, why you gotta be so stupid?
And of course, no column that disingenuously extols the virtues of science would be complete without a part that gets the science completely wrong:
Settled? Even the U.K.’s national weather service concedes there’s been no change — delicately called a “pause” — in global temperature in 15 years. If even the raw data is recalcitrant, let alone the assumptions and underlying models, how settled is the science?
Phil Plait over at Slate debunked the “pause” over two months ago. The whole post is worth a read, but here’s the key point:
By the numbers, far from pausing, overall the Earth is warming 2.5 times faster since 1997 than the previous figures indicate. To be clear, warming over the past few years has slowed a bit compared with a few years before but not nearly as much as has been previously claimed, and we know that most of that heat is going into the oceans anyway.
To be fair, though, we are not sure about these theories of “heat” and “oceans” and “1997.” Being sure is just not very science!
Here he is on Fox, running his mouth about it. You could watch it! You probably won’t!
Now if you’ll excuse us, we need to test our theory that Charles Krauthammer will disappear if we stop thinking about him.
Follow Alex on Twitter — it’s not climate science!
Mistakes were made, everyone.
“I do apologize — not necessarily to the President — but on behalf of much better men than myself,” Nugent said, calling the comments “streetfighter terminology.”
“I apologize for using the term,” Nugent said. “I will try to elevate my vernacular to the level of those great men that I’m learning from in the world of politics.”
Jan Brewer may be back on her meds, but the Arizona Legislature is just as full of scum and villainy as ever. Thursday, the state’s hero lawmakers took a stand for the freedom to be a bigot, passing a law that would allow businesses to refuse service to customers whenever doing so might violate their religious beliefs, essentially inviting discrimination against gays. Now the bill goes to Gov. Brewer, who hasn’t given any indication whether she’ll sign it (she vetoed a similar bill last year). Let’s hope we were right about the meds.
Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He likes his social justice with extra cheese
Today, students, I would like you to begin work on an essay titled, “Why Is The United States Not Engaged In A Great Civil War?” You will need to cite the following examples of disparate U.S. American cultural values, and explain why these have not led to flaming barricades of death a la Kiev, Ukraine:
Case Study One: On the University of California – Berkeley campus last week, a touring group of elementary school students encountered a man in a giant penis costume handing out condoms. They also were able to watch UC-Berkeley students playing “pin-the-tail on the anus” and throwing condoms through target holes labeled and illustrated as “vagina” and “anus,” as part of the university’s celebration of National Condom Week.
“All day long, little kids were prancing by the dental dam demonstrations, sex-themed games of chance, and the guy in the penis suit,” student Claire Chiara said in an interview with Campus Reform Thursday.
Discussion Points: Is the fact that the penis man was not allowed to distribute condoms to the children Unfair To Kidz? Should National Condom Week be a federal holiday? P-I-N goes where?
Case Study Two: The South Carolina House of Representatives cut funding from some public universities Wednesday to punish them for requiring students to read books about homosexxicans. Unlike states that let their boards of regents micromanage public college budgets and required-reading lists, South Carolina allows the people’s representatives to get right in there and mix it up with the details, in the name of academic freedom.
The Republican lawmaker who pushed the legislature to punish the colleges for their choice of books told the [The (Columbia) State] newspaper that schools shouldn’t force one view on students.
“One of the things I learned over the years is that if you want to make a point, you have to make it hurt,” state Rep. Garry Smith said. “I understand academic freedom, but this is not academic freedom. … This was about promoting one side with no academic debate involved.”
Discussion Points: Is South Carolina REALLY too small for a republic but too large for an insane asylum? Does the United States need TWO Carolinas? Is Rep. Garry Smith actually brain-damaged?
Please have your papers ready for review by next Friday, printed out in 12-point type, double-spaced with the margins we previously discussed. Use standard footnoting.
EXTRA CREDIT: Write 500 words comparing and contrasting the ethnography of the UC-Berkeley sociology department and the University of South Carolina Gamecock football team. Conclude who would win a “pin-the-tail on the anus” competition.
So I was reading things ‘n’ stuff on the internet (like I do) last week, and was greatly amused by the story of how a local Iowa politician — a conservative one! – lamented that being endorsed by the Koch brothers’ Americans for Prosperity “was kind of like being endorsed by Charles Manson.” My first reaction, of course, was sadness, a profound sorrow because I’ll never be able to “elevate the conversation” as eloquently as that, even at Yer Wonkette, forever America’s prudish convent of decorum. My second thought was, “What, did everyone run out of Hitler and Rosa Parks similes, so now we’re moving along to Charles Manson?”
In which case, well, I approve. It would make internet vitriol a lot more hilarious if it were Manson this and Manson that, rather than Hitler Hitler Hitler. Better yet, wouldn’t it be fascinating if the Koch guys really were like Charles Manson? What adventures they’d have! Won’t you come and enjoy elevating the discussion with me?For one thing, blogging and/or reading endless, endless fucking things about the Koch brothers on the internet would be way more fun and interesting. Which of these two articles would you rather read: Koch Brothers Secretly Fund Another Fake Grassroots Group or David Koch Won’t Be Prosecuted For Missing Ranch Hand’s Death Unless Body Can Be Located. See what I mean? I can think of a few other possible scenarios:
Seriously, just imagine how much more diverting reading David Weigel would be!
Next week: What If Richard Cohen Got So Old And Stupid That Nothing He Said Ever Mattered? Oh, wait, that one’s been done to death. I’ll come up with something else.
Cuddles ‘n’ hugs, Princess Sparkle Pony.
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