ABA Journal Top Stories
able2know - Popular Topics
Austin, Texas News
Hour of Slack - Church of the SubGenius Weekly Radio Ministry
topix: Gay/Lesbian News
News of the Weird
Wonkette: The D.C. Gossip
Wonkette: The D.C. Gossip
The D.C. Gossip
Updated: 12 min 1 sec ago
Gosh, seems like it’s been forever since we’ve done one of these! Thanks, Rebecca, for keeping up with the genius auditions while we were on “vacation” last week. And let’s see what’s squirming around on the underside of the comment queue today… First up, our story on Martin Bashir’s culinary suggestion for Sarah Palin drew this brilliance from “RichieM232″:
Martin Bashir is a disgrace. Misogynistic scumbag. Should be kicked out of MSNBC. Considering his cultural background he probably still believes in stoning women. But it has no place in TV news in a civilized soceity.
And if anyone knows what a “civilized soceity” [sic] is, it’s a guy who assumes that anyone named “Bashir” has to be a lady-stonin’ Mahomettan savage, amirite? Tell us something of “his cultural background,” will you, O Source Of Much Knowledge?
“Bashir was born in Wandsworth, South London, to parents of Pakistani Christian origin … He identifies himself as a committed Christian”
Well, hell, your hidden Muslims all claim they’re Christians. Just like the Gettysburg-denier preznit.
On the other hand, we do think it’s worth mentioning that “Martin Bashir” anagrams to “harms Britain.”
On a related topic, “surj1936″ had a timely comment on a January 2013 piece about Pamela Geller’s expectation that Barack Obama is getting ready to Holocaust the Jews because of food stamps or something. Surj1936 has a dire prediction, and a link to a Muslins-gonna-kill-us-all website!
I’m surprised that majority of people here have not taken notice what she has said, only funny comments. I will challenge any one out there that There will be a separate state within USA which will be Islamic. You may laugh now, but not in 4 to 5 decades.that is the time I give to you Americans ..Just see www.thereligionofpeace.com to start.
Yes, that is definitely the problem with Wonket. We simply do not give enough serious consideration to the likelihood of a “separate state” within our nation that will go Islamic in 50 years. You know, like how that Kennedy guy made us subservient to the dictates of Rome.
Elsewhere on the interwebs, surj1936 has shared their philosophy for fighting the threat of creeping sharia:
The more you ridicule islam/muslims the better. I always give them dirty looks when I see them on road or any where.I never buy at their shops.
Cultural victory via dirty looks! Stay brave, surj1936, and keep your sternum up.
Also in the running for “really well-timed comment of the week” is “DenaiRebecca,” who has a bone to pick with this young woman calling for higher taxes on the 1% back in 2011. DenaiRebecca is pretty darned upset that a rich person would support taxation, because what kind of craziness is that?
I completely agree, this woman has never worked for her money so she does care about it. She wants to be taxed, I say we have her pay my portion, because I don’t want to be taxed! I want to live in a world where we all have the same equal opportunity, not in a world where we steal from someone to provide certain results to others. That is not equal at all, some get stolen from and some get given to. I like that this woman has a heart, so she should donate as much money to charity and the government as she wants. BUT she shouldn’t ask the government to force me with punishment of jail to give up money for which I work 70 hours a week! Tell me, is that actually equal?
We have a feeling that if DenaiRebecca is working “70 hours a week,” she just might not actually in the 1%. But who knows! She may be so busy making money that she hasn’t noticed that Occupy Wall Street ended a while back. In any case, excellent regurgitation of some really original comments that only get repeated several hundred times a day on Yahoo News. Also, could the young woman in that 2011 post please give some thought to helping a blog that shares her goals?
In response to something that was actually published recently, we have this note from “justan0n” (spiffy 1337 zero, dude!), who like the people Rebecca took care of last time, has never seen no discrimination at all in Pine Bush, New York:
This is all blown out if proportion. If this lawsuit happened a year or 2 ago, why all of a sudden is it all through the media now? It seems like all of this hit the media because the bloomingburg situation, The people in bloomigburg protested against the 300 house unit and the all girls hasidic school. Pine Bush School District is now Anti-semetic. And because people in the town of pine bush are questioning if it’s a legal agreement or not, now we’re all anti-semetic? I went to pine bush up until I graduated and I can tell you I’ve never seen any Swastica Signs or Jewish kids being beaten up. The staff was wonderful. I graduated in 2011.
Yes, and you got an exellant educational back-round, didn’t you? Also, there is NO discrimination problem in pine bush (pbuh):
Like the superintendent said, it’s a money grab. If you guys looked at the video of the rally PB held, you would have seen a Jewish lady saying she lived in the community for some odd years and she’s never experidenced hatred. You would also see a colored lady saying she moved her 4 children to PB from the city to be safer and she wouldn’t have moved them here if it wasn’t safe. This is ridiculous. The media sure knows how to make a great community sound bad and trash it. I understand some of the stuff people are saying is a bit ridiculous, but keep in mind, it’s their opinion. They don’t speak for all of us in PB.
The coloreds think it’s nice there, so stop accusing pine bush of anti-semetism, OK?
And finally, in response to our story about the completely sane Chicago bishop who planned to exorcise the ghey marriage away from Illinois, we got this nice note from “shamanicomniinternational,” who wants us to know that the Bishop’s hateful cleansing of imaginary evil gay spirits will be met by an equal and opposite invocation of good gay-loving imaginary woo-woo talking. Today, in fact!
Hello, to all who read this…. On November 20th, in Tucson Arizona, a Shamanic Ceremony will be held to bring no power to Bishop Thomas Paprocki’s exorcism (being held without consent of those just married) of those of the same sex who have gotten married. At the Ceremony, Shaman, [name redacted], of Chicago Illinois (attended St. Denis School on Chicago’s Southwest Side) will also be offering un-baptisms. To participate in ceremony please contact me at [email redacted]
We feel a little bad slagging someone whose heart is in the right place, even if their head is stuck in a dream-catcher full of perfectly aligned chakras bombarded by only the best in crystal energies. Then again, shamanicomniinternational is just so earnest that we feel compelled:
You need not want to get un-baptized to participate in the Ceremony to nullify the Bishop’s Ceremony. But those that want to be un-baptized will be unbaptized after Ceremony of Exorcism Nullification. My Bio I have always been a Shaman but the Catholic Church tried to cover this up during the time I was raised in the church. I have many credentials and travel across America now bringing truth, dignity, and calm back to the peoples of the land. I have held Shamanic Ceremony in over 30 different states.
So there’s one more crime the Church has to answer for: covering up shamanicomniinternational’s natural status as a shaman. But hey, at least they now have their shaman credentials, and thus are qualified to drive out the false magicks of homophobic bishops.
So here is some good news for a change: the Ohio Supreme Court upheld the firing of former eighth-grad science teacher John Freshwater, who has become just the latest victim of the Constitution’s dumb insistence that teachers can’t proselytize to their students, even if they call it “critical thinking about evolution.”
Now, to be completely, boringly accurate, the court actually didn’t even consider the question of whether Freshwater had illegally dragged religion into his teaching; the Ohio Supremes — which sounds like two great soul bands — simply upheld a lower court’s decision that the school was justified in firing him for refusing to remove religious materials from his classroom:
“We recognize that this case is driven by a far more powerful debate over the teaching of creationism and intelligent design alongside evolution,” the court noted in its decision. “(But) here, we need not decide whether Freshwater acted with a permissible or impermissible intent because we hold that he was insubordinate, and his termination can be justified on that basis alone.”
What? Teachers have to remove non-educational materials from their classrooms when school administrators tell them to, and it’s “insubordination” when they decide that they’d rather keep their Bibles and posters of GW Bush praying and other religious materials on display? The deuce you say! And to think, the court didn’t even get a chance to consider whether it also would have been OK to fire Freshwater for using a Tesla coil to burn a cross into a 13-year-old boy’s arm. In any case, even though it looks like the school had multiple reasons to fire Freshwater, it’s quite clear that he is a victim of persecution for his religion.
Needless to say, ConservaMedia sources have been claiming that Freshwater was fired mostly for “keeping a Bible on his desk;” the actual case involved far more than just that. There was the Tesla coil, after which, really, there shouldn’t be much more to discuss. (Freshwater claimed it was an “X,” and that it’s no big whoop, ’cause he’d done that for years. Besides, second-degree burns eventually heal.)
But hey, there were other things, like Freshwater’s incorporation of creationism into his classes, his statements that evolution was discredited, and his refusal to actually teach science in his science class. He assigned creationist texts to his students, and also gave extra credit as an inducement for them to see Ben Stein’s dumb “intelligent design” movie, Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed.
And once he was canned, he sued, because he was
“singled out by the Mount Vernon City School District Board of Education because of his willingness to challenge students in his science classes to think critically about evolutionary theory and to permit them to discuss intelligent design and to debate creationism in connection with the presentation of the prescribed curriculum on evolution.”
Poor baby. You’d almost think that the school district had hired him to teach science or something, not preach to his students. Sad day for freedom and all that.
And so, as Americans prepare to sit down next week to a delicious dinner of roasted dinosaur descendent with chestnut stuffing, fans of real science and quality education have one more thing to be grateful for: let’s offer up a silent word of thanks to the authors of the First Amendment.
This year they promised an appearance by Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. I wondered what he might have to say as their featured guest; I had seen him a few times while he was at work and he did not seem like a talkative man.
The pre-dinner reception was breaking up as I wound through the Omni Shoreham’s subterranean caverns to the press section, four chairs and a tiny riser in the farthest corner of the ballroom surrounded by bus bins and one-way doors in and out of the kitchen.
On the other side of a sea of sparkling tables was a modest stage with two leather chairs where Justice Thomas would later chat with Judge Diane Sykes, a G.W. appointee to the 7th Circuit Court, former Wisconsin Supreme Court Justice and, according to my lawyer friend, “sort of a smart Michele Bachmann.”
There was a slow migration of North American Federalist Lawyers from across the hall and the food was deployed while we waited for the program to start. (Federalists do not like to eat while Supreme Court Justices are talking.) As the white-gloved staff cleared away the braised short ribs and distributed tiny desserts, a few guests who were sitting nearby stepped over to talk. Were we the members of the media? they wanted to know. They’d noticed that we’d taken up all the chairs that would fit between the bus bins and offered me a seat at their partly empty table.
Finally it was time for the main event. Clarence Thomas protested that he felt embarrassed by the attention after Diane Sykes spent about five minutes giving a capsule bio on his path from humble beginnings to the Supreme Court. (He’s a seminary dropout!) He claimed he had no grand plan to become get his lifetime appointment, just that
“one thing led to another and I wound up on the Court … It was like, totally Forrest Gump. I just kept showing up to my job and then I showed up in all these pictures and one day I showed up in a picture in Kennebunkport.”
Not bad for someone who says he was “selling Black Panther newspapers” and being watched by the FBI for going to meetings at the “radical bookstore” when he was applying for law school.
He didn’t always like his current job, but he has settled in. He likes having an office next door to his best friend Justice Scalia, who was at a table in front of the stage. Scalia was the one he could really count on in the beginning when things were a little tense between him and the other members of the Court.
“And what about now?” Sykes pressed. Does the summer recess come as a welcome break? Thomas scoffed at the idea of strife with his coworkers, claiming “I never have any trouble,” then shrugged over at Scalia, who yelled back “I get out of there as soon as I can!”
In one of his more touching moments, he seemed to show genuine affection for his law clerks. “These kids are my family.” Sykes asked how he selects them. “Pretty arbitrarily,” though one of his major concerns is to hire “kids who are not jerks.” Also they must have a tolerance for field trips, since he confessed that he drags every group of them to Gettysburg to see the battlefield. ”I take them on my bus.” (My new friend Mr. Koch helpfully informed me that Clarence Thomas has his own RV for road trips with Ginni.)
In spite of his protests that he doesn’t “know that much about the legal profession,” Judge Sykes gamely tried to get him to compare how the Court functions now compared to when he started in 1991. He claimed he never reads anything written about the Court because “I was there. That’s hearsay,” and he described contemporary oral arguments as more or less the same as they were two decades ago: “You know, there are a lot of briefs and people doing a lot of talking.” Indeed.
As his time drew to a close, Thomas noted that while he at first resisted being a judge, merely fulfilling his duties — “You know, it’s your J-O-B” — he had come to see it as his destined vocation, like the calling he once felt for the priesthood. He noted that, when compared to picking beans or “walking behind a horse in the Georgia sun” for a living, his position on the most powerful court in the country was “not that bad.” I hear there is also a basketball court upstairs!
After taking an opportunity to say how great Abraham Lincoln was, Justice Thomas thanked us for staying so late and even gave Judge Sykes a hug as the crowd applauded. With the guest of honor leaving the stage, the din of 1,300 federalists all juiced up on an hour of conservative Supreme Courtage swelled in the room. We slipped upstairs and made for the bar, but of course they followed.
Until next year, everybody! Remember to stay true to your founding principles and keep your eyes out for encroachment on your precious liberties. It takes a village to protect the village from the sinister hand of the federal government.
Terrible Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin To Gay Soldiers: Fine. Now Nobody Gets Spousal Benefits. Happy Now, Hmmm?
So you already knew about the kerfuffle over the Defense Department’s fascist oppressive decree that, Yes, the National Guard actually is part of the military, so married partners of gay service members actually do get to sign up for spousal benefits. And you knew that Texas is saying “Chain of command? What chain of command? We ain’t signing up no homeaux for no benefits.” Well, rather than defying the DoD directive by continuing to refuse spousal benefits for gay sojers, Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin has found a really clever way to treat every military family equally: She’s eliminated ALL spousal benefits for married couples in the Oklahoma National Guard, gay and normal-type. How do you like THAT, eh, sweetie? Hmm? You people want equality? Well, you’re equal NOW, aren’t you?
Apparently she got the idea from this awesome Vonnegut short story she heard about.
Fallin pretended that her decision was the fairest, most pragmatic way to deal with Secretary of Defense Hagel’s order to bring National Guard policies into compliance with Department Of Defense policy on spousal benefits:
Oklahoma law is clear. The state of Oklahoma does not recognize same-sex marriages, nor does it confer marriage benefits to same-sex couples. The decision reached today allows the National Guard to obey Oklahoma law without violating federal rules or policies. It protects the integrity of our state constitution and sends a message to the federal government that they cannot simply ignore our laws or the will of the people.
Way to support The Troops! America loves The Troops! Unless, of course, they’re fag troops.
Fallin’s approach to equality seems vaguely familiar somehow. Oh, yeah. Like how several Southern cities responded to Brown V. Board of Education by closing all their schools, rather than integrating them. Or more recently, how a number of schools have banned all extracurricular clubs so they wouldn’t have to allow gay-straight alliance clubs.
In related news, Gov. Fallin announced that to avoid having to comply with Obamacare, Oklahoma will now burn down all its hospitals.
The story so far: Under a hail of imaginary bricks and pee jars and real sexy Wendy Davises, Texas’s state legislature passed a law that says all current abortion providers must have admitting privileges at a hospital within 30 miles of their clinics. Supporters of the bill said it was to help ladies be healthier, not to stop them from getting abortions WINK WINK they are WINKing because of course it was to stop them from getting abortions, dummy!
Then we got excited when a District Court found the nobortions part of the law unconstitutional, but that Nice Time was short-lived because the Fifth Circuit court issued a stay of judgment against the District Court, what a dick move! Incidentally, saying “dick move” three times in front of a mirror is how you call Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, who just wrote the Supreme Court’s refusal (PDF) to vacate the thing that overturned the thing that stopped the thing that stopped the abortions. It’s minor Scalia, but parts of it are interesting, like when Nino tells us about Logic:
the difficulty of a question is inversely proportional to the likelihood that a given answer will be clearly erroneous.
We had to think about this one a minute until it made sense, and then a little longer until we realized that it’s wrong. In reality, the hardest questions are the ones with an apparently correct answer that isn’t, and we very much doubt Scalia truly believes that any one person’s opinions determine a question’s objective difficulty, unless that person is Antonin Scalia.
Now, this next thing made us mad. One of the standards courts apply in deciding stuff like this is “whether the State would have been irreparably injured absent a stay.” Apparently it’s enough to argue that “‘[a]ny time a State is enjoined by a court from effectuating statutes enacted by representatives of its people, it suffers a form of irreparable injury.’” Oh gosh, the poor State! Their dumb hateful law they got out of an antique book of desert myths might not get to screw up the lives of thousands of people, what an irreparable injury! This standard is the legal equivalent of saying “We can’t stop our toddler from destroying your house because he doesn’t want us to, and you invited us over here anyway!” But that’s the law, we guess.
The upshot is that the Texas abortion restrictions will remain in effect while Planned Parenthood’s full appeal goes to the Fifth Circuit. In case you were wondering if Scalia cares that the interests of abortion providers and the women who needs them “would be harmed” if the law were allowed to continue in effect before the appeal is heard, HA! HA! Idiot. Of course he doesn’t, because the State is “likely to succeed on the merits” of the constitutional question (because the State said so), plus all the above nonsense about irreparable harm to the fragile, defenseless State’s interests.
There you have it! The Law, brought to you by a bunch of people who hate you and everything you stand for. Here is the balm of Breyer’s dissent, showing how everything could be all right if and when this case or a similar one makes it to the Supreme Court.
The District Court concluded that “admitting privileges have no rational relationship to improved patient care” and “do not rationally relate to the State’s legitimate interest in protecting the unborn.” Id., at *5. And the court explained that, in its view, the admitting privileges requirement is unconstitutional because it is “without a rational basis and places a substantial obstacle in the path of a woman seeking an abortion of a nonviable fetus.” Id., at *2; see also Gonzales v. Carhart, 550 U.S. 124, 146 (2007) (A State “may not impose upon this right [to an abortion] an undue burden, which exists if a regulation’s purpose or effect is to place a substantial obstacle in the path of a woman seeking an abortion before the fetus attains viability’” (quoting Casey, supra, at 878)).
This is settled law, which means Scalia, Roberts, Alito, Thomas, and Kennedy will be perfectly happy tossing it and signing Scalia’s majority opinion that “abortions are wack, yo, do you even read the Bible? SCOTUS IN YA FACE!”
George Zimmerman Domestic Violenced His Girlfriend Because He Has PTSD From Killing That Kid That One Time
So remember how Brave Ground Standing Hero George Zimmerman was arrested for domestic violencing his girlfriend? Of course you do, because it was just the other day, and even if you missed the headline, you are not the least bit surprised because that sure does sound like goofy ol’ George, doesn’t it?
Well, it turns out there is a perfectly logical explanation for why George had to break all his girlfriend’s stuff and point his gun in her face and also choke her a week before that. It is The Media’s fault, of course, for turning previously Real Nice Guy George Zimmerman into Still Real Nice Guy But With Issues George Zimmerman. Here, let Mr. Jack Cashill of World Net Daily (so you know it should be taken very seriously) explain:
“I’ve talked to his father and his brother and they said he’s just not the same person. I would say PTSD is probably a pretty good description of what’s going on,” Cashill told WND. “They took his job, took his marriage, the whole thing cost him tremendously and the media gloried in his screw-ups.”
Ever since George Zimmerman killed that kid and the whole world was SO MEAN about it, he has had The Stress and The Trauma. (As for killing Trayvon Martin, he’s just fine about that.) That is the only reason why he can’t seem to stop domestic violencing all the ladies in his life and breaking their stuff and also driving too fast. We are guessing Zimmerman’s PTSD probably retroactively applies to that other time that other lady got a restraining order against him for, yup, domestic violencing her, way back in 2005, before he even got all stressed out because he killed a kid — but let’s skip that part, because that would lend credence to the theory that maybe George Zimmerman is, and always has been, an actual piece of shit and we certainly wouldn’t want that.
So we’re all very glad Cashill cleared that up for us. He is, after all, A Expert on how the world has been so mean to Zimmerman. He wrote a book about it, and no, we did not read it because we do not hate ourselves that much, but it seems to explain how it was actually the media and President Obama who killed Trayvon Martin or something. Be right back, going to vomit our brains out.
Okay, back. So, as Cashill says, shame on the government and the media for trying to ruin George Zimmerman’s life by forcing him to continue doing awful things to people, which he has actually done his whole life but now there’s a good reason:
Cashill said he believes the media and federal government’s relentless pursuit of Zimmerman drove the man to ruin his own life.
“Soon as the verdict came in, everything changed,” he said. “There’s a weekend of hubbub, but then they didn’t want to talk about it anymore. They didn’t want to revisit it because they know how guilty they are. His life is ruined by what they’ve done to him.”
So in conclusion, George Zimmerman is a victim, and we should all be very ashamed.
OMG you guise!!! There is a man out there in America who does not love The Troops! And he is still allowed to write things for a living! Even though The Troops have bled and died for his right to have written a blog post titled “Fuck the Troops” in 2008! And Politico just published an article by the guy, on a completely different topic — Murphy is also the guy who prank-called Scott Walker in 2011, pretending to be David Koch, which is what the article is about. Murphy’s Politico piece doesn’t even contain the word “fuck” at all, which is something of an achievement for anyone writing about that fucking fuckhead Scott Walker.
And so the professional journalists at Dead Breitbart’s Shelter For The Terminally Enraged did a massively butthurt exposé of the terrible things that Ian Murphy wrote in 2008. Sure, they mention the piece Politico ran Monday, once, but mostly the Breitbart piece is a copypaste of the most button-pushing parts of Murphy’s “virulent anti-American soldier screed,” aimed at trashing Politico of course — Murphy has now been transmogrified into “Politico reporter Ian Murphy” or “Politico columnist Ian Murphy,” and by god, Politico or any other publication that runs anything else by Murphy is going to hear about this forever, because raining perpetual wrath upon the Unholy is pretty much these guys’ mission statement.
Murphy is not especially worried; following the predictable outrage outbreak, he got into a good old-fashioned Twitter Feud, and his timeline is a thing of obscene beauty today. Breitbart horcrux Matthew Boyle collected some of the most horriblest, starting with this perfectly reasonable observation:
“I love how whenever I do something, a bunch of people attack me for a 5 year-old article they haven’t read. Literally, love it.”
And of course, things escalated; somebody accused him of having an adolescent obsession with the word “fuck,” and Murphy replied
“Fuck is a rich, versatile word. And at least I don’t worship ‘teenage’ trickle down nonsense. Reagan fucks Satan in hell.”
Murphy has, in the interests of complete accuracy, issued a correction, noting that he suspects it’s the other way around, and that “Reagan’s a total demon-bottom. I hear.” He has also pointed out that Satan is a fictional character.
And then, Murphy did the Worst Thing Possible: He insulted a soldier! (And we mean a real, good, American soldier, not a gay soldier, who it’s OK to boo at.) When a Genuine American Veteran tweeted “hey write what you want, it is a free country, people like my brothers and myself gave you the right to spew your hate,” Murphy and the vet, Matthew Laas, embarked ont he following colloquy, as transcribed by Boyle:
Murphy responded by asking in a tweet filled with profanity: “Bullshit. What the fuck have you ever done to protect my free speech?”
Laas responded: “besides fight, bleed, and kill those who would rather cut you throat than look at you, for the past 16 years?”
Murphy tweeted back: “So nothing, is what you’re saying. Who’d you kill? People who threatened my free speech. Dude. Come on.”
Laas then responded over two tweets. “It is not about who I would or have killed, it was about who and what I was protecting, and continue to protect,” he said, adding: “military service is not about what is at the end of the barrel, but what is at your back.”
And so on. Breitbart annex TruthRevolt catalogued other examples of Murphy’s “onslaught,” in which he kept saying mean things about “the work of America’s military” — mostly variations on Murphy’s point that whatever The Troops have been sent to Iraq and Afghanistan to do for the last decade, it’s pretty likely that Free Speech would still be around without those wars:
Who died for what now? It’s a great slogan, but it’s absolute nonsense.
And of course, the TruthRevolt piece closes by triumphantly repeating the cliché:
The fact that he is only able to show such disdain toward the troops because of the work of the troops themselves, who for over two hundred years have stood as a bulwark against tyranny is utterly lost on Murphy.
Beg pardon? Could you guys maybe explain how exactly the First Amendment was rescued by our adventures in Iraq and Afghanistan? We’re pretty sure that’s the question Murphy was asking, and just repeating “They bled and died to keep you ungrateful commies free!” really does not answer it. Yes, yes, al Qaeda is full of bad terrorists and Saddam Hussein was a bad person. But neither posed any threat at all to the right of Americans to say “fuck” on the internet.
For his part, Politico reporter Ian Murphy mostly seems amused at the campaign to get him “fired” from a publication that he sold a freelance piece to:
So you know, I wrote ONE thing for Politico. Ever. Never will again. Stop trying to get me fired. I don’t work there.
At last report, The Troops appear to have weathered Murphy’s vicious attacks with no apparent damage, and Matthew “Friends of Hamas” Boyle is still employed by Breitbart.
Loretta Lynn and Gloria Steinem are getting the Presidential Medal of Freedom today, along with some total nobodies like Bill Clinton, and some cool dead people like Sally Ride and Senator Daniel Inouye, who was amazing.
Which really has to make you wonder: why does President Barack Obama hate white men? Loretta Lynn, who got kicked off country radio about a million times for writing songs about The Pill, and Vietnam, and being mad at drunky husbands, is only slightly less feminazier than Steinem, who pretty much personally put all the men in Gender Jail and also tricked them by not being ugly. Then you had Sally Ride, who was an actual lesbian, and also too, Oprah, because Barack Obama loves black racism, and everybody knows that is the only kind of racism there is. READ MORE
The terms of News Corp’s CEO, chairman, and destroyer of all things good in media Rupert Murdoch’s divorce from his pie-jacking, badass, third wife Wendi Deng Murdoch are set to be finalized in front of a New York judge today. And other than the little matter of poor Rupert handing over what some people have guessed is between 1.2 and 2 billion divorce dollars, and the 44 million dollar apartment in NYC which she is totally keeping, Emperor Palpatine’s doppelganger and his erstwhile bride of almost 15 years have all the prenuptial and postnuptial (which we were not even rich enough to know existed) agreements that one of the top 100 richest, and number one most evilest, media men in the world could possibly need. So this thing here today should all be pretty quick and painless, as far as billion dollar divorces go.
But there was still some rather insidery stuff reported on the Murdoch split, thanks to Michael Wolff’s fairly overwrought article in the USA Today from a week and a half ago, that we did not see until now. Michael Wolff is a guy who wrote a Murdoch biography The Man Who Owns the News, and was also on Keith Olbermann’s old show all the time, talking about how Rupert’s news companies hacking the phones of the entirety of Great Britain and probably the USA might actually take Rupert, his terrible kids, and even more terrible empire down. But of course it did not take anything down and we were stupid to think that it might. And now Michael Wolff says that not going to jail or even getting into trouble really for the hacking thing, and now getting this divorce, have made Rupert Murdoch happier than ever. And isn’t that the most important thing? That Rupert Murdoch is happy?
His personal life, his work life and his family life, despite the threat of hackinggate, have all come into alignment. At 82, he believes he has set the stage for another 15 years.
So great. Not only is he not going to jail, or even getting into trouble really, he is planning on hanging out for at least another decade and a half. And that makes him very happy.
Rupert Murdoch will also be happy to be rid of his wife, who is 39 years younger than him, because remember when she busted up in between him and that guy with the pie at the hacking hearing? Rupert did not like that she did that! She made him “look old, he felt, and weak.” HOW DARE YOU MAKE YOUR OCTOGENARIAN HUSBAND LOOK OLD WENDI DENG? You should have just let that guy smash Rupert right in the face. That would have made him feel younger and maybe now you would not be getting a divorce.
But she did do that, and Rupert wanted rid of her, so he started paying more attention to what else Wendi was doing and apparently one of the things she was doing was Eric Schmidt, the executive chairman of Google. Wendi Deng seems to have a “type.” A very rich and powerful type. And even though Rupert did not want her any more, he did not like Wendi Deng hanging out with Eric Schmidt, and even “accidentally tweeted” something that was supposed to be an “order” to his “newspaper” The NY Post, about “exposing” Schmidt. So we can tell he really learned a lot from not going to jail or even getting into trouble really for that hacking thing.
And today his divorce will be final, and Rupert Murdoch will be happier than ever. Because supposedly he has a new girlfriend y’all, a gal traveling with him as his “massage therapist.” And now we will make all the “happy ending” jokes in the world, because nothing is funnier than someone jerking off an 82-year-old Rupert Murdoch’s penis. Happy Divorce Day!
Joe Biden, you are 71 years old today, God Love You. Here are some of the reasons you’re a Big Fucking Deal.
You are a gangster.
When you meet the Pope, you are like HEY POPE! IT’S ME, JOEY!
You fight for the underdog.
You love the ladies and the ladies love cool Joe.
It’s all about The Love.
In the never-ending quest to protect the sanctity of marriage, and more importantly, the rule of law, Missouri state Rep. Nick Marshall is fixin’ to impeach Governor Jay Nixon for the high crime of signing an executive order that will let same-sex married people file joint state tax returns. Missouri doesn’t allow gay marriage, of course, but since the Supreme Court threw out DOMA, Missouri couples married in other states will now be able to file a joint Federal 1040. Since Missouri law requires anyone filing a joint Federal return to file jointly on their state taxes, Nixon directed the Department of Revenue last week to allow the change, saying that
“accepting the jointly-filed state tax returns of all legally-married couples who file Federal returns is the only appropriate course of action, given Missouri statutes and the ruling by the U.S. Department of Treasury.”*
Not so fast with all this sodomy-based paperwork, says Rep. Marshall! For heaven’s sake, if teh gheys can file a joint return, what’s to stop joint filings from a man and a velociraptor, huh? Also, INPEACH!
Not only does Nixon’s executive order conflict with the state’s 2004 marriage amendment, says Marshall, but the Governor is even ignoring the text of the Missouri tax law, which doesn’t say nothing about no homosexers, explains the Missouri Times:
RsMo. 141.031 states that: “A husband and wife who file a joint Federal income tax return shall file a combined return.” Marshall contends that because the statute specifies a husband and wife, Nixon was under no obligation to issue an executive order on the matter.
Last Friday, Marshall posted this stirring defense of Law And Order on his Facebook page:
I will seek Articles of Impeachment against the Governor. He has openly disregarded the laws and Constitution of the State of Missouri and allowed his administration to do so on multiple occasions. If we are to live under the Rule of Law, he cannot be allowed to remain in office.
See? It’s not about the gheys, it’s about preventing tyranny. Marshall also denied any political motivation at all, saying in a follow-up comment, “I don’t give a rat’s tail about party affiliation when it comes to the Rule of Law,” and contending that Gov. Nixon violated Missouri law by cooperating with Federal agencies on other matters that he’s certain Nixon shouldn’t have, like allowing the ATF access to records about the state’s concealed-weapon permits. Again, you got your tyranny right there.
In yesterday’s Missouri Times piece, Marshall appeared to have slowed down his demands just a little bit, saying he would “listen to counsel” and drop the move if he’s “persuaded that the position I currently hold isn’t the correct one”:
“I’m not interested in doing this as some kind of political ploy. But if my position on this remains correct, then I consider it my duty to move forward with it.”
Yep, just a matter of principle and duty, because god knows a small change in the tax filing status of a fairly small number of residents is pretty much the living definition of high crimes and misdemeanors.
If nothing else, at least it will finally be a chance to see the “Nixon Impeached” headlines some of us dreamed of forty years ago.
* Tiny update: the Missouri Times added a typo to Nixon’s press release, changing “Missouri statutes” to “Missouri statues.” We know they’re proud of their arch, but jeez… In any case, the governor can spell, the newspaper can’t. Good catch, alert commenter “delaney_blom”!
Have you tired of watching Rob Ford gifs yet? Haha no because that will never get old. But we have been feeling a little bit like we’re not pulling our weight, drug-scandal-wise, here in ‘Merica, and now Congressman Trey Radel (R-Fl) has taken care of that by getting hisself arrested for cocaine possession. USA USA!
Who is Trey Radel, you are asking. First off, he’s the doofus who called himself a “hip-hop conservative” in a little self-promotional bit that BuzzFeed let him write.
Unlike most young, white teenagers growing up in the suburbs of Cincinnati, Ohio, my favorite musicians were hip hop artists, including rappers such as Eric B., Big Daddy Kane and Chuck D of Public Enemy.
Um, dude? These aren’t exactly super underground artists. Most of your suburban friends were probably fighting the power too. He went on to explain how Chuck D really speaks to him, which means that he actually isn’t hearing a word old Chuck says.
Explaining the Republican Party, Chuck D said he feels they want to wipe black people off the face of the Earth. In their minds, according to Chuck, they see black people as immigrants who have come to the United States illegally and undocumented. Without Barack Obama as president for another four years, Chuck D sees this coming into play. Chuck D also pointed out how much work Obama has done over the past three years and how a rival candidate would not be able to handle the job.
Ouch. Sorry, Trey, but Chuck D never rapped about how he likes to score blow, so we guess his music isn’t speaking to you so much anymore. (Hint, white boy, that was Grandmaster Flash, sort of*.)
Radel is also one of the freshmen Congressidiots that demanded the one millionth vote to repeal Obamacare because all the cool other votes had happened before he got there.
“We have not had a chance as freshmen to do that,” said first-term Rep. Trey Radel (R-FL). “Even if it’s just symbolic — and even if we understand that process-wise we are not going to be able to say, okay we want repeal, it’s done, and it’s over. But this is the issue that so many people around the country who love the Republican Party are frustrated with.”
Good thing that Radel believes in healthcare for he but not for thee, because he’s going to need it now that he is going to go to rehab.
“I’m profoundly sorry to let down my family, particularly my wife and son, and the people of Southwest Florida,” Radel said in a statement released Tuesday. “I struggle with the disease of alcoholism, and this led to an extremely irresponsible choice. As the father of a young son and a husband to a loving wife, I need to get help so I can be a better man for both of them.”
Radel continued: “Believe me, I am disappointed in myself, and I stand ready to face the consequences of my actions. However, this unfortunate event does have a positive side. It offers me an opportunity to seek treatment and counseling. I know I have a problem and will do whatever is necessary to overcome it, hopefully setting an example for others struggling with this disease.”
See? He IS our own little Rob Ford, because of what how it is the demon rum that made him do cocaine! Alcohol. Is there anything it can’t do? Enjoy your sweet-ass taxpayer funded stay at whatever the DC equivalent of the Betty Ford Clinic is, moocher.
*Read this if you want to learn that EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW IS A LIE.
Time Traveling Obama Made Lincoln Remove ‘Under God’ From First Draft Of Gettysburg Address, Also Didn’t Even Kill Hitler
Did you hear about the latest outrage perpetrated by Barack Hussein Obama? It’s bad enough that he’s insulted the memory of the Noble Dead of Gettysburg by not attending the 150th anniversary of Lincoln’s dedication of the cemetery there. (Headline if he had attended: “Imperial Hubris: Barack Obama tries to resurrect image by upstaging Lincoln commemoration.”) But now he’s gone and deliberately removed God from his snippet of the address! Dead Breitbart’s Home for Perpetual Fuming is just one of many wingnut outlets complaining about this deliberate slight to the Almighty in documentary filmmaker Ken Burns’ montage of news and political people reading the speech.
After the butthurt from the usual crowd, Burns updated his website with a note saying
“Did you know there are five versions of the Gettysburg Address? We asked President Obama to read the first, the Nicolay Version.”
That draft, which is in the Library of Congress, didn’t include the words “under God” at the end of the speech. Or so the Gettysburg Foundation would have us believe!
In any case, this is all just more proof that the President is an atheist Muslim pagan who is afraid to say “God” because he knows that his tongue would burst into flames. True fact.
Also, even if Obama was reading from a version of the Gettysburg Address that is in the Library of Congress, it’s pretty obvious that this still reflects Obama’s hatred of God. Despite Ken Burns’ fakey-fake claim that the Nicolay version was what Obama was given to read, it just makes more sense that Obama probably requested — nay, demanded! — that he be given that particular text. Because that is just how he rolls. In fact, if he didn’t object to the Nicolay version and insist on being given the REAL copy, that is even all the more damning.
Otherwise, all this storming about how Obama “removed” God from the Gettysburg Address would sound pretty damned silly.
So it turns out that those free-spirited Young Conservatives of Texas have decided to cancel their playful “Catch An Illegal Immigrant Game” that had been scheduled for Wednesday at UT Austin. It’s not because there was anything wrong with the game, which was definitely not racist, just meant to “spark a discussion.” Rather, it’s just too darn dangerous to be a conservative on a university campus these days. YCT chair Lorenzo Garcia, who until recently was a staffer for Texas AG Gregg Abbott’s gubernatorial campaign, released a statement explaining that it was safest to cancel, because he feared that
“the university will retaliate against them and that the protest against the event could create a safety issue for our volunteers.”
Because you know how those illegal immigrants and libruls are, just a constant source of violent assault and free-speech squelchin’. It’s in their nature, just as college conservatives’ essential nature is constant victimhood.
The Abbott campaign made it absolutely clear that it had absolutely nothing to do with the fun ‘n’ games that had been planned by former paid staffer Garcia. A statement from campaign spokesperson Avdiel Huerta explained that there are some things you just don’t joke about:
“Our campaign has no affiliation with this repugnant effort. Illegal immigration and the failed policies of the Obama Administration are not a joking matter”
As anyone knows, what a campaign is supposed to joke about is how the Democrat lady you’re running against is too stupid to be governor, haw haw. Also, when a former Republican staffer does something tasteless, it’s a guy who’s gone rogue and does not reflect the party, which would never indulge in the sort of tomfoolery we should expect of Democrats, who are personally responsible for hecklers who chanted rude stuff in the State House:
“Conservatives should not stoop to the level of liberals, whose shenanigans at the Texas Capitol this summer, including chants of ‘hail Satan’ during Senator Davis’ filibuster to allow abortions after five months, did nothing but sidetrack the Texas Legislature.”
Stupid ladies, slowing down the important work of banning abortion with their dumb “reproductive rights” and insistence on “having a voice.” So tacky. So very tacky.
The party of Karl Rove would never resort to such shenanigans.
Washington Times Op-Ed: Investigating Scott Walker Based On Leads From Six Criminal Associates Is ‘Political Terrorism’
Judson Phillips is known to your Wonkette as a guy who once wrote that Barack Obama just might be a crack-smoking gay sexer, which was fun. Now he’s got some words in the Washington Times (yeah but still) about how the current criminal probe into Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker’s Forever Campaign (because he is always being recalled) is “political terrorism,” and the Bush-backed special prosecutor on the case is a “political terrorist.” Ha… ha?
See, Scott Walker had some friends who worked for him and/or gave him money, and now those folks have been convicted of various crimes, so sad! Bad friends that they are, they’ve allegedly said some things that amount to: “Scott Walker’s campaign did such and such crimes.” None of this is mentioned in Judson’s column of course, because shut up, it’s political terrorism something something gay marriage.
No, really, he manages to work in gay marriage! Check it out:
Does anyone believe that if these donor lists were turned over to a special prosecutor they would remain secret?
A great example of what the left is doing is California in 2008 and 2009. California passed Proposition 8, which defined marriage as a union between one man and one woman. The left went nuts.
Liberals obtained copies of the donor list for a number of groups that supported Proposition 8 and then went on a rampage.
Oh, we get it, this is just like that, what with the liberals, and unions. Civil unions…? Sure whatever. And yeah, we also remember the liberal “rampage” after Prop 8, the riots, the arson, the assassinations. Bedlam, it was, in history, that happened.
Uh-oh, now we are feeling kind of dirty for calling attention to Judson Phillips. On the other hand, the Washington Times is one of Antonin Scalia’s favorite papers, so maybe it’s our duty or some shit?
Partial credit to Judson Phillips however, because while he calls people who are just doing their jobs “terrorists” — you know, the word that means “it is okay and maybe even virtuous to kill this individual” — he does suggest a non-violent response:
Every conservative group that is served with one of those subpoenas should publicly say they have, refuse to comply and take the Wisconsin special prosecutor to Court.
That’ll show those gay marriages!
Well, here is a cake that has been taken! (It is not a cake we like.) George Zimmerman, arrested yesterday for threatening his pregnant girlfriend with a shotgun, called 911 to tattle on his girlfriend for calling the police on him — even though the police were already there. Operator, pretty much: “Are you fucking kidding?” George Zimmerman, basically direct quote: “I can’t talk to the cops who are here because they are ‘upset.’” (Also: “Weapons? Huh? Goodness no, ma’am, my girlfriend has the weapons with which she also probably murdered that boy! My girlfriend, MORGAN FAIRCHILD!”)
Our favorite (not our favorite) part of the 911 call is George Zimmerman’s whiny saddy voice, previously heard crying at this reporter from Vanity Fair.
Hero Hawaii Democrat Going Around Smashing Homeless People’s Stuff, Because They Are ‘Disgusting’ — Wait, What?
What the everloving fuck, Hawaii? You are so cool! You are HAWAII. Prezzy Bamz was born in you! You were multicultural before multiculturalism was Satan’s immigrant basket! Everybody is all mellow and high and gets along unless you are in Makaha or accidentally crash someone’s house party in Waipio Valley, in which case mad wahines might try to fight you and the cops don’t even go down there because they are scared of the 50 crazy people who live there and their feuds! At least, everybody is mellow and high and gets along except this state representative — AND DEMOCRAT — Tom Brower, who has been going around smashing homeless people’s fucking meager belongings, because of how homeless people are “disgusting” and he is going to solve the problem, WHAT!
Noting that he’s “disgusted” with homeless people, Brower told the Honolulu Star-Advertiser about his own personal brand of “justice”: “If I see shopping carts that I can’t identify, I will destroy them so they can’t be pushed on the streets.” Brower has waged this campaign for two weeks, estimating that he’s smashed about 30 shopping carts in the process.
“I want to do something practical that will really clean up the streets,” he explained to Hawaii News Now as he showed off his property destruction skills while sporting an Armani Exchange hat.
We don’t have much to add to this because of how our brains ESSPLODED all over our keyboards — except to add that for once (ONCE) you can read the comments at HawaiiNewsNow and not want to napalm yourself or the rest of the entire human race.
The Day Everything Changed: Maria Bartiromo Will Make Sweet Love To Wall Street On Different Network
You know that drunk uncle who arrives at your Thanksgiving meals to complain about how the messicans and my-NOR-AH-ties and homosessuals are ruining America, which was founded by White Manly Jesus on White Christian Values? If that uncle were a state, he would be Texas, the embarrassing wrinkly scrotum-skin of America, smelling like an odd mixture of crankcase oil and bigotry.
In their latest attempt to treat the LGBTQMORELETTERS community as separate and unequal, the Texas National Guard is refusing to process military housing allowances for same-sex couples. We just gotta ask: Texas, why do you hate the military? Why do you hate America? Why are you untying the yellow ribbon from the ole oak tree? Why do you suck so hard on that penis, the one that is in your mouth?
As we told you a while back, several states are refusing to process benefits for gay couples at state-run facilities, because bigotry. Instead, they forced same-sex couples to travel to federal facilities, sometimes upwards of 300 miles away. Nothing says “support our troops” like telling them to GTFO of state facilities, your kind is not welcome here.
When Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel said this ain’t right, some states, like Indiana, relented. Texas, on the other hand, has found even more ways to be terrible. Beyond just not issuing IDs to same-sex spouses, The Washington Post reports that they are denying housing allowances. Once again, they are forcing same-sex couples to travel to federal facilities in order to receive their GODDAM RIGHTS GUARANTEED BY THE FUCKING SUPREME COURT.
This happened to one service-lady, but she decided to stay anonymous because of a “clear absence of protection under the Department of Defense or Texas Military Forces non-discrimination policy.”
Of course, Texas doesn’t see it that way:
“We want every gay National Guard member entitled to benefits to obtain those benefits,” said Texas Military Forces spokeswoman Laura Lopez. “We are not denying any benefits for people who are entitled to them, to include housing.”
Yeah, whiny gays — you can have your “rights.” You just can’t have them easily, and you have to jump through hoops for them, and have to be inconvenienced and have to spend monies on gas to travel to get your rights. Not because you are second-class citizens, but because… well, because Texas thinks you are ewwww gross.
We must have forgotten that the Constitution is the greatest document ever written by the hand of God and handed over to mankind, except when it allows teh gheys to have rights, and then you might as well wipe your ass with it because bigotry > Constitution.
What’s worse is that Texas receives tens of millions of dollars every year from the federal government for their national guard. A refund might be in order.
Sec. Hagel has tried to ram the gay agenda down the throats of opposition forces before, and we think it is time for him to ram more harder. Keep ramming the agenda, slow and steady at first, and then pick up the tempo until the climactic moment when freedom erupts and liberty’s sweet sticky goodness coats every member of the armed forces.
You guys, Cher said a cuss about Sarah Palin, and not just any cuss but the worstest most terrible cuss in the whole wide world unless you live in England where they call their moms that, and also the postman, and also, like, a cup of tea. They are all like, would you pass me that cunty cuppa, and yes I would like some cream. My point is, they do not seem to think it is the worstest most terrible cuss in the whole wide world, but here in the good old US Amercia, we surely do! And that is why Ben Shapiro, the escaped patient from Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Internet Hospital for the Criminally Sniveling, some chick, whatever, is so, soooo, sooooooo mad at Cher for calling Sarah Palin a “cunt,” except she did not actually say “cunt,” she said “dumb c-word,” because we are all children apparently.
Cher’s current hit, “Woman’s World,” is her eighth song to hit number one on Billboard’s Hot Dance Club Song list. A repeated lyric in the song is “This is a woman’s world.”
Instead of celebrating her hit the liberal feminist decided to tweet out a vitriolic and disgusting slang word toward Sarah Palin, the “C” word. The use of the “C” word is the lowest low anyone could use to describe a woman. Apparently in Cher’s “Woman’s World,” it is appropriate to call a fellow female this disgusting and inappropriate term.
You guys, let’s talk about cunts. And also pricks. And assholes. Let’s talk about all kinds of things!
Do men fall on their fainting couches every time someone calls them a dick? Is a vagina a worse thing to have than a penis? THEN THEY ARE THE SAME INSULT. GET THE FUCK OVER IT. Women! Did someone call you a cunt? Stop weeping, and thinking it is the worst thing in the universe. You have one. Love it. Nurture it. Put some fucking glitter on that shit and get all Jennifer Love Hewitt up in there. (Also, STOP WAXING IT. Why would you repay a body part that’s given you so much pleasure, with so much pain?) Men! Does a woman calling another woman a cunt make you want to pretend to be very, very angry at antifeminist acts of non-sisterhood? Shut your fucking dickholes, and let the women fight their own fucking battles, Sir Knightly Knight-Errant of the Hoboken Knights-Errant.
Also, in German, the worst name you can call a woman is “schlampe,” which means a slobby woman, or a bad housekeeper. You want to insult someone, try that. Fuckin’ OUCH.
We need a name for when people become temporary feminists every time Sarah Palin gets a mean word said at her. Doktor Zoom suggests “palio-feminists.” Internet, make it happen.
Peter Frouman - Last.fm Recently Played Tracks